Effects of Lovenox, dreams, and other musings...

I feel like there are a lot of emotions building up in me right now that I need to get out, so this will likely be a bit of a rant.  First off, I have to show off my Lovenox bruises.  They are pretty impressive if I do say so myself. 

 Now, on to the rant.


I am starting to overanalyze things again.  I am guessing that this is going to be the way it is throughout this pregnancy, but it is starting to drive me crazy.  Yesterday morning, I felt confident and secure in the fact that I am pregnant.  But as the day progressed, the fear and doubt started to creep in.  I am terrified that my LO has died and I won't know until my next ultrasound on the 31st.  That is such a long time to wait.  Again, I have no reason to believe that this is the case.  I am still having symptoms, and if anything my fatigue has gotten worse.  I am starting to feel like some of the symptoms are getting a little bit better, but I actually think that maybe I am just getting used to them.  I had a dream last night that we went for our ultrasound and our little one's heart was beating away at 129 bpm, and baby was moving around.  I felt better when I woke up, but then quickly realized that it would be way too early for little one to look like a baby and be moving around.  That got me started worrying again.

I think R is starting to believe that this is actually happening.  He commented yesterday that there were two of us next to him in the car.  At that point, it dawned on me that I keep flip flopping between feeling hopeful and positive about this pregnancy and totally detached, like it isn't real.  I know from talking to other ladies in my position that these are common feeling, but I really don't like them.  I know I will feel better when we have our next ultrasound.  Unfortunately that is 6 days away, and 4 of those days I am on vacation with no work to distract me.  In fact, I will be sitting in the middle of the woods with little to do except think.

Wish me luck!

- J